The Toxic Friend Signs
96Signs of a Toxic Friendship
Toxic friendships are negative friendships that make you feel unhappy, unhealthy and unequal.
Toxic friends will stress you out, use you and wear you down physically and mentally. Many of us keep toxic friends in our lives for whatever reasons. We both like and dislike our toxic friends. We put up with all they give us repeatedly. We complain to ourselves, other friends, relatives and whomever else will listen to us gripe about how our toxic friends do this and that to us.
But we never do anything about it. This lack of decision becomes a bigger problem than the toxic friend. We don't tell our friend that their behaviour causes us to feel a certain way. We wait until our negative feelings and emotions build up and before long we find ourselves exhibiting the traits of a toxic friend. We become the best actor in the world and act as if nothing is wrong; hoping our friend will change or grow up. They don't know how to or in most cases, they just don't want to. After all, if being toxic works for them and gets them what they want out of life, why should they change?
Sometimes you work up the nerve to tell the toxic friend how they make you feel; but each and every time you mention it your friend she doesn’t understand. Or she tries to turn the tables on you tells you're the one with the problem. You might want to ask yourself some simple questions when in a friendship:
Am I in a good mood after being with this friend? Is there a give and take? Are you entirely truthful with this friend? Do you respect each other? Would my friend talk about me in a negative way to others? Would I talk about my friend in a negative way to others? Does my friend criticize and belittle me? Do I hesitate to share my good news because of how it might make them feel?Does my friend abuse the friendship and take advantage of me? Do I even like this person?
Why do we hold true to the BFF ideal? This isn’t a legal binding agreement. No one is forcing you to stay friends. It’s never an easy decision to break off the friendship but if this was one person physically abusing another wouldn’t you encourage the end of the relationship? Why is emotional abuse any different?
I ended a toxic friendship recently. This friend used me, my other friends and my family for personal gain. She emotionally abused me with guilt and it took a toll on my other relationships. She always told me that she was an honest and open person. She would cry on cue. When I would tell her how her behaviour bothered me she would always type an email and tell me how she felt. She would attack me personally in those emails and blame me. It was always my fault she didn’t have the life she felt she deserved and I had everything. She was always doing the best she could or so she would say. She would bring up the littlest things! At the beginning and end of each email she would often apologize if this was hurting my feelings and she never wanted me to be mad at her. Of course she didn’t want me to be mad at her! It might mean I, her bank/babysitter/gopher/cab driver/problem solver etc., might not be around anymore.
One day, It all changed when I received an email from her. I was in between job interviews, and running around like a mad woman. I had checked emails after a particularly stressful interview and this email was the straw that broke the camel’s back. Again, she criticized me, my family, my friends and my children. In criticizing my children, she slapped me in the face for the final time. They had been nothing but respectful and helpful to her and that was what spurned me into action.
I took steps to eliminate her right then and there. There were repercussions almost immediately and I ignored it. There was backlash and slander. I still ignored it. In fact, that’s all you can do. Once you let a toxic friend back into your life, you’ll begin that vicious circle all over again. If they see a chance to worm their way back into your life they will. It’s all for their personal gain. If calling me “fat” made her feel better? I’m glad she’s out of my life.
Most toxic friends have patterns and mine was no different. Friendships never seem to last longer than a year. That’s because the toxic friend uses and abuses from the start. It’s always someone else’s fault why the friendship ended. My friend had been told numerous times by people ending the friendship that she was negative! I thought I was being a good friend, almost like a sister. Well if one of my sisters had behaved that way? I would have no qualms putting her in her place. She has no problem going out to dinner with you and then telling you partway through that she has no money. Or, she just waltzes out of the restaurant, knowing you’ll pay her way. She guilts you into inviting her to functions with your other friends, then insults them all (and drinks all the wine). The toxic friend may even attempt to flirt with your spouse or significant other. They want what you have no matter how little. The toxic friend is very needy. Mostly for attention.
Walk away and stay away. This doesn’t mean that you don’t love or care about the person anymore. It means that you have more self respect for yourself. And in the end, that’s the most important friendship of all!
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People like this sicken me! Though I have to give them credit...it must take incredible imagination to convince themselves that their behaviour is acceptable. Good for you for cutting yourself off from that 'friend.' I'm sure your life is and will be far better without her!
Good for you for getting rid of the "friend". I am kinda in the same situation, although my friend has been around for over 10 years. She is obese (with the health problems that sometimes accompany it), no boyfriend/husband/kids, crappy job..etc. I am currently debating how to handle the situation. She isnt outright insulting, but makes subtle remarks and when I call her out its" Oh, I'm just giving you crap". And although she has nothing going on in her life currently, she constantly talks about herself and every conversation is about HER. She never asks about me or my family or kids. Once she says ANYTHING bad about my innocent little children, I think that will be the back breaker!!
I think everyone has a friend like this. Mine friendship was for 15 years and I even moved across the country several times. I could have used those moves as excuses to lessen the friendship (and I may have at times) but each time she'd guilt me and sometimes flatter me in order to gain a personal agenda. She wanted what I had out of life not caring to see that I worked two jobs to better myself and my family. I would create opportunities for her to "help" her along - she once slept with a client of mine and I lost a $10,000 contract because he didn't want to be around her after that.
I am sure we may have resolved issues if she hadn't attempted to slander me to other friends she didn't think would talk to me (toxic friends keep other friends separate from you, but you can't have your own friends). I guess she didn't think they would tell me? Turns out LOL they told me even MORE lies she had told them. Her lies went on and on and those are what comes to my mind when I am lonely for her and think I can just pick up the phone to talk to her. We talked everyday for years! If we didn't talk we'd email. I miss having someone like that to talk to but really? her problems would be worse, her issues more dramatic -- aren't they always? :)
I went to this site because I am 11 years old, and I wanted advice about this from REAL women. I've been trying to be a better Christian and she isn't, and yet she keeps criticizing me and stuff. Christians don't do this, and christians don't do that. I have cut her off completely, and found real friends who actually love me for me.
People struggle, people have issues and we all can play the role of "toxic friend". Just remember when you point a finger at someone you have 4 pointing back at yourself. Also, "sweet innocent children"....well I got 3 of those and when my friends say they are brats (even when I don't want to hear it) it might be true. Just keep in mind others see our kids more accurately than we do.
I have a friend who's a networking junkie. I invite her to my party whith my family members and other friends that she has never met. The next thing I know is she's going around getting everyone's contact information, trying to date my brother in law and calling me up for my sister's phone number.
I really dislike this. These are my friends and family, not hers. I told her that I like to keep my family, friends, and business life separate and I did not give her my sister's contact information.
Is it me being juvenille or reasonable?
I just emailed my Toxic Friend after she told me I was a worthless friend in her emal. I became busy with my life and family for a couple of weeks. When I called her, no response, emailed her, no response; she sent me reply saying " I'll talk to real friends who demonstrate that I am genuinely important to them- simply by consistently being interested in my feelings and being present in my life. That's what a friend is to me." Notice the me's and mys. I basically replied saying "if I am so worthless then you will be better off without me as a friend." I feel so much better and now I can concentrate on my friends who are respectful and don't make me feel bad. The only time this person calls me is when she has a "favor" to ask me. Life is too short to waste your time trying to please someone that cannot be pleased.
I have a friend like this whom I have broken off with as well. Unfortunately, my other friends aren't as apathetic as I and choose to stay with this friend simply because nobody else will. They feel guilty that she no longer has any friends and hang out with her because of that fact. I have tried persuading them out of this friendship that should ont even be classified as one but no luck. I only wish for them to not become hurt but I know they will in one way or another.
i am debating right now how to cut off a "friend" like this. She talks about all her friends personal information and although i have listened, it makes me very uncomfortable. She does it to bring them down and uplift herself i think but i i know she will do it to me too(ok already doing it). Also, she is very sly and cunning and underhanded. She makes comments that are done to hurt you but are disguised in a clever way like it is just normal conversation. I know she is going thru an economic hardship and it may be triggering her behavior. But anyways i think they instinctively know which women to befriend. In the past i have said to myself she is not as educated or doesnt know any better or just let it go, or i am being too petty. If i knew there was something worth saving i would. but i know that the years will pass and she will remain the same with no real love and respect for me. I THINK Its like they are jealous of you but they cannot say it out fornt. so they befriend you and chip away at you anyway they can.
she listens to your problems and you listen to hers however you dont use her info to make remarks which make her feel dumbfounded and thrown.
Is it possible to be a toxic friend...but only turning to a new friend because you feel like you have no one else to turn to in life...use their advice, decide you want to change yourself & make the efforts & then said friend decides "it's best if you just aren't friends anymore"...I have a work collegue who offered a listening ear when I had boy troubles. She is 10 years older than me but stated we could be firends outside of work. We talked on that occasion for 4 hours, she wouldn't let me leaver her house, hugged me & kissed me on the forehead before I did. Now I am only 21...going through a depressing yet 'lost' part of life so I felt so nice to actually have a 'friend' who cared for me. I know & realise now we had only been friends for 3 months...and I burdened her with texts, emails etc. But she was there for me right up until she admitted she lied to my face to 'please me' and all I ever asked from her was the truth up front. Now I had always listened to her advice...over 3 months she had begun to INFLUENCE me greatly (and now I am at counselling, looking at life more postively)...I went to ring her to tell her I understood how crap of a friend I had been to her and all she said was "i think it's best if we just aren't friends anymore"..."and what I don'tn get is that you said you don't talk to people you don't know or even friends really about your own problems YET you didn't know me. as much as I want to help you and support you, I have a family and I can't and one day you will understand"...I rang her up so I could say I know we 'friends don't have to see each other every day, week, month or year like she always told me...& that I understand she has a life & I wanted to just go back to being friendly in passing with the odd catch up...Now I HURT so much & i feel like a really stink friend.
Do you think I should just forget about her like she has done with me...even though I know SHE HAS CHANGED MY LIFE & THE PERSON I AM! or should I maybe wait a year or so...live my life & write her a letter to see wheather my 'change' can persuede her to talk to me once again ...hoping for a catch up but expecting nothing???
ARGH it hurts to know she was a GREAT friend to me...BUT I was a stink friend to her. Though I was 100% genuine when complimenting her amazing qualities...
this is happening to me and i am so scared to do anything about it =, this girl has the power to alienate me from my friends (even though she has already started to). not to long ago she slapped me in the face infront of all our friends and she has also slapped another girl who we are friends with. one minute she is kind and fun and pleasant, then the next she is cold and cruel and scary. I am afraid to say anything to her anymore because she love to humiliate me or i might say the wrong thing and she will lose her tempur. I have been skipping so many days of school because i dont want to deal with her, and my grades sucked this term. she is sucking the life out of me i dont feel like myself anymore i feel scared and depressed. at school today a friend asked her if i was coming to hang out with the rest of our friends and she said "no kayla is going home" so i came home and cried. my fiends tell me she says horrible lies about me when i am not there and she always has to be the centre of attention. But i can not remove myself from this friendship because the rest of my friends are not willing to leave and i would be alone. Everyone at school says i have become "the sweet quiet shy girl" since last year when we became friends and that isnt really me. we became friends last year so we could face bullies together and now she is the bully. I am not the girl i used to be i am shy and ashamed and i have lost my creativity and good grades. I want to warn people that if someone makes you feel like a shell of yourself or humiliates you even once let them no it isnt ok before they start to control you stand up for yourself from the beginning because i whish i had done that. I am 15 and i feel like a depressed old woman and everything about myself that i was proud of she has taken from me and i wish that i could be the very last vicim of this abuse so STAND UP FOR YOURSELVES!!!!!
You did the right thing in getting rid of that 'friend'. I kept a person around for many years until she bad mouthed my brother to a mutual friend. I put up for her for so long and to this day I don't know why I felt the need to make that friendship work. I also just recently ended another friendship. I picked up on it right away.
Hi
I just want to give some advice to babymelodyxoxo. I have also felt the same as you are currently undergoing and I would like to suggest you read some articles of self-affirmation. It will bring your faith back in yourself and help you get confident. Once you start loving yourself, others will seem insignificant to you. You will face this problem throughout your life, just ignore and stay away from such people and love yourself more.
Hope it helps!
I am so glad that I found this website! I love my best friend a lot, but I have to put some distance between us because I am getting so depressed about the roller coaster of emotions that I am constantly dealing with! I am 50% of the problem, because I allowed it, but thats all the responsibility Im taking on from this relationship. I always feel like I am going out of my way to make her life easier because of her past or because of recent tragic events, and it has taken such a toll on me that I am almost in a confused state of mind! Ridiculous! And now I have to be careful because I am ready to lay into her at the first given chance, and that is not the appropriate, mature way to handle this type of situation. She will get defensive, and you have accomplished nothing at that point. But my only response to her at this time, will be "You don't get to talk to me like that anymore". For starters. Thanks for letting me vent...in a way...:o)
Steph
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Interesting article which is well shared.Thanks
Hi guys,
I know the feeling exactly. I had a friend like this. We met last summer when our children played little league football together. We would sit together at practice and eventually began talking. We bonded quickly because it seemed that we had experienced or were experiencing similar struggles at the time. We talked everyday at football practice for months until football season ended and she no longer returned my phonecalls. A few months later she sent me a text and I was elated tohear from her so we met for lunch and began hanging out again. We were both in unhealthy relationships of which we complained about all the time. Well, to make a long story short, she became pregnant by a broke abusive boyfriend and he walked out of her life when he was tld about the baby. He had already abandonded his children in another state so he didn't want another children especially at forty while sleeping in his sister's basement on a matress. She had just lost her house to foreclosure and her car to repossession of which he did nothing to help her keep as she was losing these things although he lived in th house and was driven to work and the basement daily in her vehicle. When I was asked by them both to go with her to get the abortion since it was a secret she only told him, me, and her 14 year old son, I went with her because I was being a supportive friend. This was such a painful experience as I sat in an abortion clnic that day with at least thirty to forty women in line for hours to get abortions. I'm not judging. It was just difficult to handle. Nonetheless, the boyfriend began stalking her, assaulting her, harassing her and her family, verbal attacking her and threatening to kill her if she left her house. When all of this occurred, I was there. In the long hours of the morning when I had to drive home with my young children from her home, I confronted her to make sure she was alright. I sat in an abortion clinic. I listened to her complain about him for hours on end, drove her around, drove her kids around, bought her food, and offered her sisterhood. In the end, she got back with the guy and he began to tell her I was a snob and thoughtI was better than her. She convinced herself I was and because I couldn't do another favor for her in the time she needed because I was busy with some other priorities, she said I wasnt a friend. It hurt me so bad. I've thought about it everyday for two weeks since it happened. I couldn't believe ahe accused me of not being a friend after all I've done. Its saddened me until I read these blogs. I learned that hse was no good for me and she is toxic. Itt was always about her and never ever about me. Whenever a man was in her life and it was good, I was kicked to the curb. Yes, my life is led differently but never did I think I was better. I'm not better than her; but I'm better than that!
Great work.very common issue.
Good work.
As a Christian, it can be hard to find the balance of showing the love of God to people and keeping appropriate boundaries around my heart. But then I remember that even Jesus wasn't a floor mat. I grieve for babymelodyxoxo because being a teenager is tough enough without having toxic "friends" to deal with. And that's the other problem, teenagers aren't yet equipped with all the emotional tools to handle such a person either! But, even as an adult, it can be hard to say no to toxic people entering my life. I believe the bottom line is whether I have enough love for myself to not allow someone to treat me badly or use me or show me disrespect. People that have a good level of self esteem just don't allow that to be done to them. So that is my focus. Healing from my childhood abuse that has programmed me to allow others to hurt me. And the exciting thing is that as I become more whole it is easier to identify and eliminate people that don't treat me with respect and love.
IO recently ended a freindship like this. A friend had made constant demands on my time. I listened to her while she went through relationship break ups, hard times at work, hard times at home. I now realise that she spent most of these converstions repeating herself, and that a lot of the problems she had were self inflicted (by her need for drama). On the other hand, when I had problems, she just blew me off, or gave me some token advice before bringing the subject back to herself. The final straw came when she vacated the house we'd been sharing and didn't pay her rent. I'm now having to pay it! I have to say though that when i called her up and tolld her to "F@&k off" it was one of the most liberating moments of my life and I feel very free!
hi guys.my friend is 25years older than me she met me when i was about 9 and iam 19 now and iam sooooooo phisicaly and mentaly sick from all her abuse!its as tho she has two people insider her one amazing one ugly unfortantly they only show themselfs at night.ha!you see one minute she tells me (as a friend)that she loves me more than anyone and when i hurt she hurts, and she will always be there for me the next minute shes snapping at me and telling me she cant cope with me then she hurls a load of abuse at me!and iam left standing there thing what did i do???i love her nice side but hate her horrid sude.then sge apolagises then does it again.what am i to think of this woman???xx
I have a friend who is to an extent similar to most of the stories mentioned...she is a very negative person,and this judgment is not only mine but other people as well...i have known her for quite long no..we have been classmates and we grew closer after college...she has passed through difficult circumstances i understand but this does not give an excuse for anyone to be negative and complaining all the time...as an example...i received from her today ..only Today...3 calls complaining how hectic her week was...how dumb the people around her and how stressed she has been...the fight she had with her brother and the list goes on...i even forgot when was the last cheerful or positive thing she had shared with me...and because of that i am avoiding her coz i already have my own stressess and challenges and am trying to surrond myself with positive and cheerful people...its not that i am not good enough but this has gone for sooo long and is leaving really frustrated..i cant share with other friends coz i dont want their judgments to be based on mine...anyhow...this was a good vent out process..hehe...have a good day
I had a hard life in the past 3 years. I moved to a nwe city as there was no work where I was. I have only worked 10 months sine 2009 and so my income has been very very low. Due to this i could not meet new friends and all I have is a casual boyfriend who can be abusive at times but he has great qualities too. So my last job i met a woman and we clicked, shes 8 years younger and we seemed to get along well and became friends at work. She married at 27 and has a good husband and son so has had stability for 12 years unlike me. when the job ended we kept in touch by email although its strange she lives just 20 mins away by walk-she never asked me for coffee and I dont know where she lives. She seems to love to find out all your life and info but is secretive on her life - I really dont know alot about her life- - just general stuff. So we are now both out of work and looking and just yesterday she turned on me in emails, she is criticizing ahd demeaning my life in every way saying I put myself here and to 'take respoonsibility' etc and I have done everything under the son to try to make changes. Im not a lazy person. I have worked all my life but there is little work around in canada now. THen i was upset and emailed her back and she got even more mean and demeaning in the next email. She said she had a rough time growing up and I never would have survived it! well i didnt have a perfect childhood either! She has her family around her all the time shes not alone here and her parents are alive and well my dad died of cancer and I took care of him; mom is now 82 and her memory is going-so she cant help me now. She is very mean so i emailed her that I didnt appreciate her comments and that I feel she is not a real friend and a good christina too since if u are in a crisis that is when u should be empathtic and caring to your friend and she is not.......I dont knnow if I will end up homeless I have one monnth left of money but whatever happens it wont be because of things I did - i sent 2000 resumes in 3 years here i put in hundreds of hours of effort........
Dear Janice-You have taken care of your mother and father-God will take care of you-He promises that in the Bible. I will pray for you today and all the other ladies-I came here because I am dealing with a malignant person masquerading as a friend who is a pseudo-Christian. It can be really tough to be judged by supposed Christians. Just give it over to God-he will rout them and restore you.
I have several friends like this. I feel these people are so oblivious and self centered they don't know how ignorant they are I have one friend we went snowboarding together had a great day and we took some cool pics of each other and the next day she sent me some pics of the day they were all of her I said those look awesome can u send the pics of me of course well three Weeks have passed and she has sent me pics everytime she snowboards of herself I just ask myself everytime are u retarded u haven't sent me one pic of me u keep sending pics of yourself?? and this is th way I feel about half my friends since that and a couple other straws I have ended a couple friendships and I found so much time for myself I started a clothing brand (have my first shirt out!!) and started working on music I think u will find more time for yourself and maybe find a friend that better understands you good luck xoxox
I have a friend of 30 years. He needed a place to live and now I'm realizing just what a toxic friend he really is. In fact I believe that he is a sociopath. Does not help with any of the bills, doesn't buy his own food, just eats all mine. Brings so much drama into my home. I am so stressed out. I am mentally and physically drained. He leaves a mess in the house and doesn't feel like he has done anything wrong and that he shouldn't have to clean it up. Leaves his dirty dishes anywhere,and feels that he shouldn't have to do them. Uses all my laundry soap and doesn't feel the least bit guilty or responsible to replace it. The biggest thing is that he never pays rent and or utilities as agreed upon moving in. I tell him I need him to help pay and he just says that he doesn't have any money. I have gotten shut off notices and he doesn't blink at all to it. No feeling, no emotion, no remorse. 100% taking advantage of me and I don't know how to tell him that I can't live this way anymore, That it would be better if he moved out. After a year of living this way, Most days now, I feel that I'm going to have an emotional breakdown! Please help! Always easier said than done. Yes, I realize that I am a people pleaser and codependent. I seems that all his drama and kaos is just taking the life out of me.
REAL Forgiveness.....
After 47 years and some codependent enabling relationships for 45 of those years I had to learn BOUNDARIES, REAL forgiveness, PERSONAL RESPONSIBILITY, REAL love....there are some that even though I do everything I can to work things out they refuse the way of peace, REAL love, and choose to continue in their mess, dysfunction, mean, nasty, hateful ,ugly,....strife. gossip,....dishonor disrespect,.... For those type I try to communicate with them and set boundaries however if they continue to dishonor themselves/me/others then I REAL love love 'em, forgive 'em, bless 'em, pray 'em but I do it from a loooooooooong way off. Proverbs tells me to "Guard my heart with ALL diligence for out of it flows my life, health, emotions, wealth, .....other relationships. The God of Peace designed my body to live in peace and when I don't the consequences could cost me my life, health, wealth,....other relationships. Jesus is the Prince of Peace, God is the God of Peace, the REAL Gospel message is the Gospel of Peace and I am to be sharing the too good to be true REAL news of Peace to the world because of the finished and completed work of Jesus Christ :)
Dr. Caroline Leaf
Suppressed thoughts with their embedded emotions will explode. Our brains are designed to acknowledge, repent and forgive.
Judging is when I think I know why someone did something without communicating with them
"Repent means to change your mind"
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=mWONba5-0No
Forgiveness means to send away the offense. It has nothing to do with the other person, them forgiving/ doing/ receiving it or not, ..... it is ALL about me and my heart and my actions. I send it away because it could cost me my life, health/ dis-ease, wealth,..other relationships.
Yes, I forgive YOU but you have lied, cheated, talked nasty about me, run me down, find fault with me,..
Forgiving you gives me PEACE
Giving yourself peace is your job NOT mine.
Forgiving you does NOT mean I TRUST YOU
Forgiving you does NOT mean I want you in my life!
“When you hold resentment toward another, you are bound to that person or condition by an emotional link that is stronger than steel. Forgiveness is the only way to dissolve that link and get free.” ~ R. Muller
“To forgive is to set a prisoner free and discover that the prisoner was you.” ~ Lewis B. Smedes
“When a deep injury is done us, we never recover until we forgive” ~ Alan Paton
I can move past what others have done to me. But I can never move past my unforgiveness ~ Dr Jim Richards
I forgive you but because of your past actions I do NOT trust you. Trust is earned NOT given.
I have a twin sister who i have come to the end of the road with. All my life i did everything she asked of me, she is very controlling. after 25 years i realised i couldnt go on like this. i realised after she decided to have a relationship with a man who loved me but i didnt have any feelings for him, he bagan a relationship with her to 'get back' at me for not falling for him. my sister knew he loved me but it didnt stop her at all. after she married him they started having problems. I started a relationship with her good friend, he was kind, loving and became my best friend. my sister saw i was finding happiness at last and she tried to jeopradise my relationship. i got married and moved 250miles away. i would still talk to my sister over the phone, she was constantly make it out as if i was hiding things from her, she wanted me to tell her how unhappy i was in my marriage, but how could i if this was not true. she started telling my other sisters nasty things about my husband and critisied my life. if i bought i car, if my husband wasnt working, if i made a friend, everything was critisised to the point of breaking. after i gave birth, she started making comments infront of my family about my child, how small he was, how he was dressed, how he cried etc. i have always been respectful towrads her, after i moved away i realised i was treated like a door mat for many years so i didnt just take her abuse, i defended myself but she carried on. i think what hurt her the most was that she could no longer control me, i was happy, content while she was miserable so she couldnt handle this.
i think i came to the end of the road with her when she called me a bad mother, she said i wasnt a good mother because my child was small and fragile while her daughter (same age) was big.
when i told my other sister about it, she denied every saying such a thing.
i now feel i cant trust her anymore. although i love her i feel she cannot see my happiness,
Getting rid of toxic friends is the best way to create a breed of people that will never have friends, and destroy this world. it's your responsibility to make them friends and be an example in their lives!
I have this friend who I have become close with after we graduated high school and started college. At first our friendship was cool we had a lot in common. From issues with our parents to school to guys. She told me why her and her ex friend were not friends anymore. Something about her being drama. She told me the situations her friend would call her out on, and at the time they did seem harsh and unfair. So I agreed. But now that we have been friends for this long I am starting to understand why those people are no longer her friend. I've tried to be there for her and her drama but it's starting to weigh me down. I alredy have to worry about my children, finding a job and a house, and on top of that getting my own self together. I'm 19. But anyway... she also has random attitudes. She has had them with me and I've told her about about herself then she quickly changes her tune. She just found out she is pregnant and she is not living with her mother anymore cause their relationship was toxic! So it's like what the hay sould I do? She has gone through so much but at the same time it's all her fault. I keep pointing her to resources but she shoots them down with negativity. I'm just emotionaly drained. Sometimes when don't talk I dnt mind, I actuly prefer it. And on top of that she keeps doing stuff she knowes is wrong. And it's like I'm trying to evolve from the person she first met, but she talkes abt change but she is doing the same crap! I just really need some words of wisdom right now
You did the right thing getting rid of that person. But i am in a situation where i am on holiday and i got a message on MSN saying that i had been talking about this person behind there back i then sent them a message swearing that i wouldnt do a thing like that. Did i do the right thing? what should i do?
I had two toxic friends who did the same thing to me. And when they would abuse me and I said no to something they wanted from me...they went and told other people I was the bad person. They are like little bratty kids in a candy store causing temper tantrums.
I wanted to see a movie on my birthday and I was going with a few people after my little b-day party...one of the toxic friend said "You need to drive me home because I don't want to see the movie." I told him the movie starts in 10 mins and you live 40 mins away The toxic friend started a tantrum and (even though he had a lot of money on him) said "I will only go to the movie if you pay for me." I knew that if he would do that to me on my birthday that it was over.
I am in the process of never speaking to this "christian" friend of mine. She told me on my bday which was on a Wednesday that my birthday wasn't more important then God and all I did was ask her could we hang out. Mind you church didn't start until 7 o' clock at night and I asked her yesterday morning if we could hang out during the day not at night. Then turned around and hung with another friend who birthday was on Wednesday..... mind you she even skipped church!! :/ lmao Shame on me for thinking we were good friends.
Well most people would consider to be a toxic person, but recent events in my life have shown me that you can't be that way forever. My prolonged ignorance caused me to lose friends, acquaintances and miss out on some great opportunities. Most of the time "toxic" people are going through a lot in their lives and just need some positive distractions to help them see there is much more to living than complaining and creating strife. It's easy to assume that one should know better given their age, but it's just as easy for someone to get caught up in the negatives of their lives, and if they don't have people around that care about them enough to point it out to them, they'll stay in their rut for a while. I'd encourage those of you who have gotten rid of these toxic people, if you should ever meet another, try to help them out. Those of you who are considering giving up on them, try another method to help them. The hand full of friends I have left haven't given up on me (I think, lol) and that has uplifted my spirit and motivated me to change. I'll admit, I've been quite a horrible person for most of my life and it's not something I'm proud of, but being able to admit it is a step in the right direction.
I plan on dropping my toxic friend in a month. Then we won't be roommates anymore and she can't guilt me into doing shit that's bad for me. Fuck her. I wasnt in the wrong and if she is pissy she can take it out on herself and her boyfriend.
Can't wait for freedom.
Thanks for making this article, it's good to remind people that they don't have to deal with abuse or constant negativity in their life over the fear of being "mean" to the person or being alone.
The biggest catch 22 in those situations really is that fear of being alone, because often times it's allowing that toxic friend the power to drain you, lower your self esteem and generally make you feel bad that makes you feel unable to make new friends or start conversations with new people in the first place. Once the courage is built to cut the habit of a toxic relationship, your self esteem will begin to rebuild and you can heal to find much better relationships.
I think people who are abused during childhood can be more susceptible to these relationships if these patterns aren't identified because the people who were supposed to love them, the people they should have been able to trust, abused them. This makes it a lot tougher for the person to realize the difference between healthy, supportive relationships and abusive ones.
I had toxic friendships when I was much younger. In my case it was a clique of "friends" I had for about five years. When I visited their houses, they would allow their family members to criticize and insult me over without saying a thing. In a way it's no wonder they were so maladjusted when a grown adult woman would tease and insult a 17 year old for having acne. When the said "friend" would make sure to relay the things her parent said about me when I wasn't there, because me knowing someone was laughing and saying I had "face herpes" was really something I needed to hear.
This girl, let's call her Stephanie, was really the main one who was cruel and often bossed around the rest of the group, but many of the others could be just as cruel, though I'm sure some only did it to fit in with them.
If one of us was spotted talking to someone outside of the clique, we were given icy stares and later lectured by the others. Often times Stephanie would talk down to me or the others when she was upset at us like we were children and she was a mother hen. Something is wrong when you're a legal adult and you still have a friend talking down to you about "how you shouldn't talk to people you don't know, they might be bad." I thought that's why real groups of friends existed? To support each other while making new connections, and being there for safety in case someone does turn out to be a real creep? One of the safest way to meet new people is when you're surrounded by backup.
I didn't even get the worst of it. She completely humiliated and abused a guy friend of ours on a daily basis, knowing he would put up with it because he was bullied all through school and had abandonment issues. He opted to be constantly stepped on rather than being alone. When we hung out with Stephanie and he wasn't with us, she'd laugh about how she used him for this or that; she seemed really proud of herself when she described in detail how she blackmailed him into driving her to school whenever she wanted for a year straight, simply because she discovered he had a crush on her while his best friend was her boyfriend. It seemed like her story served a double purpose: it let her express her sadism and torment for this boy even further, and subconsciously remind US that she could easily do the same to us if we did something to displease her.
I always placed the blame on myself for having such low self esteem and being so self conscious. And I was right in a sense, but for a while I didn't want to accept the real reasons why. Eventually I faced the reality that I'd never reach my full potential if I was codependent on this group who constantly pressured me into being and acting a certain way, or otherwise be talked down to and alienated.
I started making new friends, and began disregarding their "rules." Apparently the final straw was when I brought one of these new friends with me to a group night, and they didn't like him at all. He was very talkative, but had many of the same interests as me, and brought out a more social side of me. Stephanie gave me death glares the entire night, and several times told us to stop talking. Then as we were leaving, she thought it would be cool to try and humiliate me in front of everyone by confronting me and accusing me of "acting like I'm not myself around him," and how she was very irritated by our talking.
It really started to click then. I was never going to be the chattier, more confident person I wanted to be if I was friends with them anyway. the group, and stephanie especially, saw any change in behavior a threat. I wasn't "not being myself", I was GROWING up, and WIZENING up. Staying in a situation like that would stunt all of my potential.
I was only 20 at that point and I already felt like I was having a damned midlife crisis from all the years of not being able to experiment further like a normal teen. Well, at least it was gotten out of the way early.
I have no regrets though, as regrets do no good anyway. Now I know which red flags to look out for in relationships. I ignored the slander, alienation, and the general backlash I knew I'd get once it was finally over. As a matter of fact, because I was finally occupying myself with things I'd always wanted to do, meeting interesting people, going on trips and adventures, that I didn't even need to actively put any energy into ignoring the mean things they did and said about me. I believe I am a much happier, more confident person to this day because I analyzed the situation and made what I knew were tough, but necessary choices.
Ive known this woman for 25 years,we are both mid 50s now. I know I need to cut her out of my life and am in the process and a whole lot of emotions are hitting me. I am a caring and loyal person but also no fool (well not now!) and reasonably intelligent so just feel very foolish right now for even allowing myself to become involved,but then I guess that was the caring part of my nature. The only thing we ever had in common was our kids played sport together.This woman has always been NEGATIVE, CRITICAL of everyone and thing and COMPLETELY SELF ABSORBED!Her parents spoiled her rotten, husband carried that on and his and the childrens lives have all been manipulated and walked on eggshells around her depressive moods! I never understood WHY she had depression as shed experienced no heartache or trauma in life and whatever she wanted she got!I realise now it was simply 100% EFFECTIVE IN ATTENTION SEEKING! But this always p##d me off as life had dealt ME many reasons to be DEPRESSED (stillborn baby, lost both parents young and a loved son with huge problems)but I was so aware how easy it would be for me to sink into despair so instead I was totally COMMITTED TO BEING POSITIVE AND STRONG!(Simply because Ive always been a realistic person and knew the wellbeing of my family was down to my attitude)She used to tell me I was"lucky"##? I didnt get depression!Anyway fastforward 25 years, shes never had a nice word to say about anyone or thing,VERY OPINIONATED and thinks NOTHING OF CRITICISING OTHERS(AND THEIR KIDS!)nothing anyone ever does for her is good enough- she must be HELL to live with-but her husband puts up with it all! Through the years Ive never once told her what I thought (Ive only recently seen HER extreme TOXICITY clearly)I see it now and FEEL A STRONG URGE TO TELL HER JUST SO SHE KNOWS WHY IM OUTTA HER LIFE! But then I believe thats probably futile as people as selfish as her (and as henpecked as her husband & family- which includeds daughters in law who HATE her!- I dont wonder why!?)would never see their own faults- only EVERYONE ELSES! I know I should just have nothing more to do with her but if I dont tell her why and stand up for myself to regain self esteem (in my own eyes)Im leaving myself open to her spreading lies. But then shed be doing that anyway right?!
I think what Serina says that people who have had hard childhoods often find themselves in toxic "friendships" as they cannot tell the difference between good or abusive relationships, and thats friendships too. Even though we do learn eventually, and often the very hard way we should never feel stupid or be too hard on ourselves when "the penny drops" and it all becomes so clear how weve left the door open to a toxic "frienship" We didnt know better- Now we Do And that Door will be Closed, never to allow the same treatment from toxic people again.Anyone who has gone through this experience and come out the other side with their dignity, self worth, love of life and belief in people (well, most) intact should be proud of their ability to learn and grow. Some (and a lot of toxic people) never do.
Thank you for all the great posts and article!
I had a lousy toxic friend for a couple of years. I won't bore you with all that she said and did (and she said plenty in the most loveliest ways, it was so smooth and subtle, always telling me how 'kind' a person she was!!??) but honestly, there were times I was truly amazed at how polite I was when she would come out with all this nasty stuff! She was so rude! I can't believe I didn't tell her to .... off. Even my husband (who is the kindest and nicest person I have ever met) was amazed that I didn't react, which is saying something. I guess I was hoping for a good friendship.... and trying to not 'react' to her jealousy and 'silliness'.
I had a very toxic mother, and I think my not having been treated with respect by my own mother and father has led to this incredible ability of mine to take as much shit as anybody can dish out AND be polite back!!! Anyway, I have completely distanced myself from my toxic friend and life is back to normal YAY! :)
I encourage all women to identify and cast out all toxic people in their lives!!!! :)
All the best x
Lisa
Wait, do we know the same person? This sounds like classic borderline personality behavior. If anyone reading this article (who might happen to read my comment) knows someone who seems this way... First, do not diagnose, only a professional can do that, but a good thing to read would be "stop walking on eggshells" or "I hate you don't leave me" these both explain how these sorts of toxic people experience the world and how we can protect ourselves from their harmful coping mechanisms. =(
WOW, this is exactly what I'm going through right now. But I didn't know what i was feeling was right or even close to normal, I felt as if I'm thinking negative and over analyzing, but then I found THIS!!!
Ive been bestfriends with this person for three years, and its the fourth year now. I feel like my friendship with her is all about drama, she comes to me when she has a problem. SHe SUCKS the energy out of me. I always felt exhausted when done speaking to her. For three years, i feel like ive been her personal counsellor. She uses me and then puts me down. Shes really sarcastic and uses all my success as a mocking joke. I personally think she's jealous but to egotistical to admit it. Ive been there by her side for years but she has never been there for me. She uses me as a punching bag to take out her frustration. She'd be so kind and nice one day and the next she'd be really rude, and then she says everything is my fault. I feel like Im in a abusive friendship. After the abuse, she buys me things which I find really awkward. She keeps ALL her friends away from me, and wants to mingle with my friends and everything I DO. When I'm making new friends, she gets angry and pulls a guilt plug on me. She does not want me to be successful, have friends or do anything for that matter. She brings me down or starts a fight to get my attention. Very controlling. Not to mention, she acts weird in front of my fiance, and blushes????? LOL. exactly why i tell her " my relationship is none of your business" everytime she trys to inquire. I feel like I'm done at this moment with this friendship. We fight all the time, because Im done with the abuse. She finds that hard to accept that she cant control me. Now that I have a higher position, she just wants to leech off of me in my resources and contacts, where she would do NOTHING for me. I buy her the most expensive things and pay for ALL of our meals mostly, unless i make a clear and loud indication that I did not bring my wallet. ALL she does is complain and use me as her diaper. Every day is a new problem. I deserve better friends and if you have a toxic friend, kick the leecher to the curb!! People like this drain you out, bring you down, and cause you nothing but loss. And the drama is not worth it. They love drama and want constant attention. My so called bestfriend, would say I have nothing she wants, but thats a lie, because she wants everything I have. She would've act this way if she did not. Ladies, keep this toxic friend away from your personal relationship and esp your PARTNER!!! This blog above, is nothing but the truth.
Hi there,
I also wanted to add.... a quick true sign of a toxic friend is this:
you feel lousy about yourself and your life after every interaction with them!
I don't have much family and my work has forced me to travel a lot... so I have few close good friends. My birthday came around and I had paid for my husband and my little family to stay in a holiday house on the beach.... and (stupidly!) invited this toxic friend and her partner and children to join us.... We paid for the whole week and they stayed for free at this luxurious holiday home. On my birthday which fell on a weekend during our stay, I didn't receive any calls for my birthday (I come from a very disconnected and dysfunctional family and am a survivor of terrible child abuse.....and my 'toxic' friend knew all of this.... because stupid me told her!). Anyway, my toxic friend says to me on my birthday, in this holiday home that I am paying for, and in front of everyone, "it's just so sad that you didn't get one phone call from anyone on your birthday".
I was handling things okay until that point, trying to not think about my sad lack of family..... and then she made me feel utterly pathetic. That is just one example of how quickly she could make sure I felt like crap... she would even go to the length of interrupting me if I was talking about something 'great' in my life with my career, my children etc, and ask me about the people (family) who have let me down... right in front of everyone. It was always so awkward (particularly because I am always so forgiving and polite) and I eventually got sick to death of her nastiness after I had only ever been generous and kind to her.
Never again!!!
Good luck everyone, and I mean it, the minute you feel like 'crap' after speaking to a friend or spending time with them.... that is a sure enough sign and it's better to distance yourself from them early on in the piece before they learn more about you ... enough to use against you later on.
xx
This site is a godsend to anyone plagued(yeah..as in 'deadly contagious disease') by a toxic friendship, who is desperately needing to understand the dynamics of these dangerous 'friendships'. Ive read so many excellent examples of the harm they do,but even more importantly- the signs to read and take big heed of. The Most helpful input from this for me is validation that I am a good, decent human being who found myself being dragged down,demoralised,used as a sounding board for all this person's crappy outlook on life. Yes..every time I left her company I never once felt- encouraged, joyful, appreciated as a good friend. Never. And arent all those gifts the basis of how true friends make us feel?Even when life throws problems and things arent so great..a true friend allows you to share and at the very least listens & is concerned (just as you would be for them) But one of the biggest redflag signs, imo of toxicity is a one sided "friendship" where it is all about them- there is (and never will be)room for anyone but themselves in any relationship with these bloodsuckers. Its been a long time coming, to throw off this deadly toxic person from my life, mainly because it was so insidious, I really didnt realise how sick it had become and in being dragged down (once too often) I had forgotten TO THINK OF MYSELF. This toxic friend has been washed down the plughole of life and it feels great!!I had hung in there way too long naively hoping her being around my positivity & upbeat outlook might just help her.Noooo way!She resented my attitude!It dawned on me that she actually enjoys being miserable & negative because it gets her attention-shes just too deluded to realise its all the wrong kind! Like "whats wroooong with misery guts today?"lol. To anyone reading this who's in such a demoralising toxic friendship- take note- it dosent get better with time. Say bye bye for good. (Sadly there may well be another naive friend-to-be drawn into their toxic web- to fill her needs) But Do Not Let it BE YOU! Go and enjoy your REAL TRUE friends and LIFE!
I wouldn't call her a friend as such, she was the new girlfriend of my husbands best friend ( who is a really lovely guy), she is used to her boyfriend running around after her and getting everything she wants, I have known him for years but have never seen him under the thumb like this before, but if she make him happy so what. she never does anything for anyone else unless there is a benefit for her and is fiercely jealous. I tend to get on with everyone and see the good side. The only time I ever heard from Sam was when she wanted something, pushing herself on me for her and her boyfriend to come and stay at short notice, I would make sure the house was nice, gave up my bed, made sure we bought all the food she likes ( she is a piggy) and my husband and I took her to nice places. I began to notice how selfish she was, never pleased for anyone, always jealous of her boyfriend talking to anyone, everything was about her, she didn't even have the grace to talk to my 17 year old daughter. This weekend I let her push on me yet again, she would sit on the sofa as usual and I would wait on her hand foot and finger. Then there were the demands, well I want to go out to eat tonight, I want Indian, regardless of what anyone else might want, it would really irk me that both my husband and her boyfriend gary( whom I genuinley like as a friend) would pander to her every wish. I know now that she never really liked me, but it all came to the boil this weekend when we were out for dinner, the restaurant that SHE decided on ( had to be where she wanted to go) she had been drinking quite a bot and started being abusive to me and pointing her knife at me saying I was not attentive enough to her needs, she was so rude and drunk, and my husband just sat there and let her carry on, I was astonished, she loved this and really milked the situation and I was like an outsider at the dinner table. Later that evening when I asked if she wanted to see the band, she tutted and said, don t speak to me you are nothing, and said I should look after her better as she is the guest. My anger got the better of me and I said if that's how she felt then don't come and stay anymore. The four of us went to the pub to see the band and I was left ostracised at the bar, while my husband and her boyfriend continued to pander to her. It was excruciatingly embaressing, I had never seen my husband so cold to me, and she was clearly milking the situation, laughing and joking with the guys and glancing over to me to gloat. It was a silent journey home and when we arrived Gary said sam wanted to leave I agreed it would be for the best. The next day my husband and I had a blazing row, he was siding with this girl who caused all this upset, it's been 4 days now and the atmosphere at home is rubbish, how could he have got it so wrong, I am at a loss.. and I expect she is rubbing her hands, I am such fool for she has left me in a sad place.
I have.......had a friend like that. I have bn friends with her for 22yrs off and on of course. She has always made me uncomfortable an has always turned things around on me. I am 33 now and I need nor want someone like that in my life anymore! I have let her back in to many times and u said it urself... It will keep happening. I have never told her deep dark secrets but ur damn stagily she has told all of mine. I miss her because I don't have any other friend that I talk to everyday like that. Her children and my child are best friends and play every sport together so I have to see her everywhere I go!! She is going thru a divorce right now and I feel bad for not being there for her I just can't anymore.......... Is that wrong of me????
To the last posters, I would most definately say- it IS TIME to distance yourself from the toxic person in your lives. To Claire-the new gf of your husbands best friend is a master manipulator( a red flag sign for toxic friends) and its just unfortunate the men cannot see her for what she is- but her bf will definately find out the hard way.Sounds like hes allowed himself to be the panderer to her demanding & self absorbed personality- theres never any good come from that kinda twosome.Your husband has also been blinded to her real toxicity, often women are better at reading others real personalities.Youre a person who gets on with everyone & sees the good in people-thats admirable! But in this case DO NOT let that stop you from also seeing whats NOT GOOD! Sounds like youve read her right.You have bent over backwards to make her welcome & meet her DEMANDS! Wow those alone tell how everythings always ABOUT HER!What a horrible house guest/member of a night out group! And hows she repaid you?- nastiness by the bucketful! & it will only get worse. DO NOT allow her to destroy your own relationship!Toxic people thrive on others being unhappy(anotherred flag sign) To Am- DO NOT let any feelings of "missing" your toxic friend stop you from making the break!Be prepared for the gap it leaves,thats only natural, as youve been a friend to her-notice I said YOU have(she hasnt to you!) for many years.Because of the childrens connection- if that makes it impossible to stop actually "seeing" her, just make sure any conversation is about the children-their sports and keep anything of a personal nature off topic.Youve opened your eyes to her toxic ways- DO NOT close them again!Hopefully (if youre determined to be good to yourself) the "friendship" will die a natural death.Put your own wellbeing first.Most toxic people know how to manipulate 101 so she will have other "victims" to listen to her woe-is-me tales of her divorce.Keep telling yourself you deserve a better friend-a REAL friend- and someone good will come into your life to remind just how GOOD & HEALTHY friednships can and should be! A toxic friend is DEFINATELY NOT BETTER THAN NO FRIEND. Ive recently distanced myself from a toxic friend of over 20 years, and I wonder WHY I didnt do this years ago!Its only by doing this that youre able to see how one sided, energy sucking,and joyless such a "friendship" was. No one needs or deserves that! Wishing you both all the best!
i thought i had toxic relationships but the more i read here i am question myself. i see a pattern forming that i am the toxic friend. at the moment there are so many people i realized i have harmed.
Thank you for that..I needed that..also I think you have to be ready to end the friendship..I was so embarrassed that a woman of my age could fall into a friendship like that and let it last for so long..as they say we learn at all ages. This friend nearly destroyed my whole life even that of my children. But boy do I feel so good in myself..free from her manipulating stupid plans.
Toxic friends are dangerous. They don't just bring you down; the can turn you into a milder version of themselves. We as human beings are tuned into becoming more socially acceptable by mimicking those we are around on some subconscious level.
It can start out small; it's very hard to be positive towards others if you are with a friend who was negative. Or if they are are always critical and judgmental, you'll find yourself more critical of yourself, if not others. If they are self-centered, then you get so used to fighting for attention that you can become "me,my,mine" in turn. If they gossip, then you in turn might be more inclined to share personal information either about yourself or others.
I'm having a heck of time from this. I've mostly ditched the idea of actually being friends with a woman I know. However, now I'm trying to shake what I realize are bad habits I formed as a result from this friendship. I talk about myself way too much without showing as much interest in others, I'm suffering from very low self-esteem, and I have a tendency to gossip, and these things were not like me before I knew her. I myself am now a toxic friend when I don't make the effort to shed these bad habits. Fortunately, the good habits are replacing the old ones as I try, and I have friends who are willing to remind if I slip up.
I had a friend like this
I think we shouldn't even love friends whom we don't hang out with. "WE BECOME WHO ARE FRIENDS ARE!"
I have a question instead of a comment. Last week I received and email, yes email, from my ex best friend telling me how much of a horrible, self centered, negative person I am. I don't think I'll have a problem getting over the axed relationship, but she is now hanging out with my sister-in-law and has made contact multiple times with my other sister-in-law. How do I deal? I can't ask my sisters-in-law to not make contact with her because I believe it's wrong of me to tell them who they can and can't be friends with. Anyone able to give some advice?
I had a friend who I told something very personal and private about myself. She ended up making fun of me for it in front of other people. So she basically told others and put me down for it at the same time. Needless to say, I keep my distance from her now..
Thats so often a dilemma faced by ex friends of toxic people-you dont want your experience to influence others,so you stand back, say nothing and really want to believe that the reasons for your ex friendship can stay just between the two of you, and you simply trust the others to know you well enough..not to be unduly influenced..BUT the very reason you realised the toxicity of your ex friend...was that person had NO BOUNDARIES of whats right or wrong to say about anyone ..and you just KNOW theyll be dissing you to everyone(and if theres nothin youre guilty of you can be sure they'll have no qualms about inventing something/s!) Years ago when faced with this situation- I kept my own counsel and totally trusted others not to be influenced but unfortunately they were just too gullible/naive to see they were being manipulated by the "other's" words. It was extremely hurtful to realise people can be so fickle.But I slowly regained trust in others and made new friendships. However I obviously hadnt done with "learnin lessons" on this very important part of life, & recently realised how toxic a a particular "friend" was, and the necessity to end it. I am now in your situation-hoping it can be left like that,but already Ive noticed a few others we mutually kno, who Ive always been friendly with,are cool towards me. So maybe this time I actually NEED to speak up for myself & NOT leave it to CHANCE. Something like.. "My friendship with x has ended, but Im trusting that you wont let anything you may hear change OUR friendship?"
After that, there is really nothing anyone can do to stop someone being influenced negatively. Thats their call AND their own learning curve!
I am glad I found this article. I have had several toxic friends in my life and two at the same time once. The main one totally turned my world upside down. She started off with small things by ridiculing you and being your critic in a negative way. Add alcohol to her she becomes this abusive monster. She has even slapped me in a bar, chased me all the way home because I left her to further beat me up, and I called the police. The police did nothing when I wanted her out of my house from the assault. They thought it was a joke with a woman beating another woman. She felt it was in her right to do that because I left her there at the bar from the first slap. She slapped me because she was upset I was moving.
You clearly have some serious abandonment issues and alcohol problems. I felt the need to leave I knew it was going to get ugly, but it didn't work. I was not friends with her after that anymore. Somehow she worked herself back in to where I let her in. My friends and my family all said not to, she is a dark person. I didn't listen I thought I would give her another chance as a friend. I felt bad for her too having financial struggles and roommates not treating her nice as well.
I wanted to help her. The more I was around her the worse she became. She was a nasty bully with me I don't know why. She even tried to start a nasty fight with my Mom and I once calling my mother at 2:30am saying I was drunk and need rehab. Mom almost believed her when she called her to tell her this. First off I did not drink that much and when I did I only had a few. This friend would drink herself into a psychotic abyss. I went to grab my cell phone from her to talk to my Mom. Mom said something I can't remember what it is now, but it was to the point she almost sided with this girl. I called Mom the C word. I would never in my life say those words to my mother. I felt she is choosing this crazy woman over her daughter to listen to believing her crap. I went to leave her house that night with some other friends. She became so belligerent towards me for leaving that she tried to beat me up again in the parking lot outside of her house. At this point I was done with her. This is psychotic! I was able to get away having got lost in the neighborhood and her calling the police on me saying some strange woman is lost in the neighborhood. Police gave me a ride home and got me dinner =) If she was not being nice, she was being evil. She would say certain things when you decided to stand up for yourself. She would say: "You are the one being a &*%$. No one likes you. I am a true friend and the only one there for you. Your other friends they are not, you are not a friend. I thought you changed and I am the one who has changed," blah blah blah. If you decided to bail out on hanging out with her she would throw a fit of curse words at you hoping you feel bad about yourself and about not showing up. That is why I didn't want to show up to the event! She did this over not coming to a movie for crying out loud. She would call me over and over just to curse me out. My toxic friend tried to say she bought me a movie ticket and paid for it already and now wasted money. I knew she was lying about that because she never pays for herself when out and about. I always paid the bill mostly. There were times if there was a house party and if you even had one drink or two, she would try to call out to the whole party you are a drunk lunatic when you know you are fine. Or she would make up stories that I sat on the stair well crying saying: "I have no friends and no one here likes me." She would try to convince you that happened. First off I was sober I remember the whole night and no that did not happen. This girl was insane. Why did I stay friends with her?
Mom and I were fine after awhile, but this woman was no longer allowed in my parents house for anything. Somehow she got back in my life again. Why did I let her back in after what happened before? She apologized profusely and said I was a good friend and begged for forgiveness. This was after 3 months of not speaking to her or associating with her. I fell for it.
For the first month everything seemed alright. My friends were angry I was trying to be friends with her again. They said she is bad news stay away from her. I knew that, but still wanted to give her more benefit of the doubt.
Long story short, one night her boyfriend beat me up when I was in bed asleep at her house. I tried to call the cops for the assault, but she would not let me. She pulled the phone cord out of the wall jack and held the phone for dear life from me. Her boyfriend kept coming after me to hurt me more. I have no idea why. It was insane. I finally had to get out of there since I could not call the police for help.
I got out of there after he chased me down the stairs after having me by the throat and grabbing my arms to throw me off the bed. I grabbed my purse and went to my car to drive off. I had a few drinks that night and I knew I was at risk driving. I did not want to drive, but I felt there was no where else to go that was not safe there.
I was going to pull off to the side of the road across the street and call 9-1-1 to report this. Instead I was pulled over by the police. The same officer that was at her house previously helping her from her boyfriend with another assault. I got busted on a DWI. The officer knew of the violence in this home and asked my why I was crying and where the bruises came from. I explained and he didn't care. I know I was driving after drinking, but still there was assault here too.
This so called friend threatened me if I did anything to her or her baby's Daddy there would be hell to pay.
My attorney and a private investigator was able to pull out the truth and find out she had called the same officer who she was friends with to find me out on the street to bust me for a DWI to avoid me charging them with assault.
It almost worked and it had. In fact the prosecutor wanted to make an example out of me which my friend felt the need to contact and make things worse. I was almost locked up in a rehab and a mental institution. This toxic friend convinced prosecution side of the court I was mentally unstable and needed professional help. They believed her until my attorney stepped into prove the case.
I am ok now and charges were dropped on me. No DWI.
The point is, you are who you hang with.
I had no idea what that meant until that traumatizing moment of my life.
I never spoke to her again and it has been 3 years. Life has been so much better and I have never been in trouble like that since. I was so close to losing a good chunk of my life to an institution over this toxic friend. She was really good at acting and convincing others even the courts. My attorney however, was the only one who could not be fooled.
Mom taught me if someone does it once they will do it again and again and again. I have seen that be true several times. So trust is earned. Thank you for sharing this article on Toxic Friends and those of you sharing your stories. I honestly was on research to see if there are others experiencing "friends" like this. This story I have shared is forever long and lots of parts were left out. I am writing a book about it though. I am thankful to know I am not alone in this.
I have a toxic sibling. I have been physically and emotionally abused by them all of my life. Recently they lashed out in unjustified anger at my child. Up until now, I've worked very hard at being there for this person and always inviting them and their family to gatherings. But they have crossed the line. It is not that I won't forgive them, God commands forgiveness (I am a Christian), but I will no longer allow this sibling into my home, and I will not longer attend events with them. I have to protect my kids.
I hope it all works out some times friends can be mean!:(
Wow Sunny I sure am glad your toxic friend is a thing of your past not present and youve learnt so much from that experience-although the hard way. I hate how once youve made the decision to end a toxic friendship- it often gets even worse, but at least when that happens its a sign we did the right thing! Dont you hate it when the ex friend spreads all kind of untruths and beacause we do the decent thing- and let others make up their own minds- often they are taken in big time(cos toxic people are often very good manipulators and liars)And that hurts big time. To know weve done nothing wrong(except be a friend to the WRONG kinda person! And we wait...for others to realise the same thing..but it sometimes takes years, and by then the damage is done again.
I had friend who done many of the things spoken in the article, It's like a flash back when I think about it. You know I loved my friend a lot, a small part of me still misses the times when our friendship was pleasant. She was like a rose that eventually withered, She was the sweetest person in my life at the time before it went sour. After 2 years I started to open my eyes when her behavior turned vicious, eventually her secretive motives started to show through. She was toxic, and with that being said, she started making my life hell. I think what hurt me the most was that she could never be fully honest with me yet she always expected such honesty out of me. She used and abused everyone she seemed to come in contact with. Her destructive behavior and constantly using projection to escape responsibility for her own actions not only wrecked our friendship but it also destroyed many of her other friendships she had with other people throughout her life, it was always someone else's fault in her opinion. She did try crawling back into my life about 6 months later, I never allowed her to waste another minute of my time though. It's sad when friendships go bust over toxic behavior
Wow! Thank you everyone for sharing your stories. By sharing, you are really helping others RECOGNIZE toxic friend behavior. Some are subtle so it may not be as clear.
I think that when you keep the focus on YOURSELF, you won't fall prey to these toxic life drainers. Here are some tips I can share:
1. Your life, your preferences, your time comes first. Don't let anyone bully you into doing anything you don't feel comfortable doing, especially if it only seems to benefit them.
2. Live your life to keep it interesting. You can't force friendships, you can only attract interest. By taking control of your life, you're not settling for less. The worst time to find friends is when you feel like you really need some. Energy drainers can sense your desperation and know that you'll settle for anything. Don't find friends, find HOBBIES. Then, friends will come naturally from those hobbies.
3. Set boundaries right away. You have to have a middle ground between being nice and approachable to being a doormat. Write down for yourself very specifically what it would take for someone to cross your line. How many times would you let an unexplainable no-show slide? What are some specific things you'd look for in order for someone to gain your friendship?
4. After each encounter with someone, evaluate the experience. Rate it from a 1-10 and write it down in a journal. The ratings should increase over time. If they decrease, don't waste any more effort into that relationship. You should feel supported, energized, relaxed, happy after spending time with a real friend, not like you're walking on eggshells. Do they ever congratulate you? Do they let you talk or do they do all the talking? Do they value your opinion?
5. Think of friendship as a bank. Are you getting back as much as you put into it?
6. Do you follow through on the consequences you've set once someone's crossed your line? Some people become toxic friends simply because no one's ever given them limits. They have to start learning sometime, and that learning process could start with you. Think of it as you are doing a favor for the next person they "befriend." Remember, YOU teach people how to treat you. If you settle for less, you're creating your own mess.
I had a friend who I thought was a friend. Until a mutual friend of ours got really sick at the time and was life treatening condition. During the time my friend had broken up with her long term boyfriend. When she broke the news, I had invited to my house or offered to meet with her if she needed to talk about her break up. However she was not ready to talk. Meanwhile I had been visiting the other friend as she was still very critically ill. I would sometimes update the friend to hos the sick friend was doing and would ask her how she was after the breakup and invited to my house as she to chat and catch up. However she kept blowing me off and been really flakey towards me. So for this reason I backed off, as thought she was still hurt over her breakups. A few weeks later I was visiting the mutual friend, and I was given the impression that the friend had been talking to her . She kept mentioning bout the friend needing people she wanted around her as it hard after a break up. I got the impression that I was accused of not been there for her which defendily not the case. I letter found out that she had been talking to my sick friend and was telling her how I was not there for her and I was to occupied with concerning about the friend who is sick. I was so annoyed that she would say something so untrue especially after the ordeal our mutual friend had been through and that if she felt neglected in anyways she should have talked to me. From that moment on I felt there was nothing left in the friendship, so I ended all contact with her. Still hurt over the behavior of her but I am glad were not friends.
Yeah Ive had an ex toxic friend like yours. It was all about her. While you were being there for both your friends, the 'me me me'one wouldve been expecting all your attention- dont you know she is the centre of the universe?? and nothing else matters!If the mutual friend had died the other would be jealous of the attention she got! Nothing anyone ever does is enough- these toxics work from a whole different level than us!Empathy, consideration and genuine concern are only things others should have (for them!)Your ex toxic friend wasn't worthy of you. There are no words to really
explain how hurtful their actions are but the lesson learned is so valuable and Im never gonna waste my friendship again.
I am going thru this very thing right now. I have done not only a lot for this girl, and always been there for her whenever she wanted me to, but I have done a great amount for her family as well. I turned down a job as a matter of fact so that I could help the family out while they were going thru a hard time. It apparently doesn't matter to them, they have stabbed me in the back and thrown me to the curb all because I am finally standing up for myself.
I have anxiety and I am always afraid that when things like this happen there will be the backlash and the slander. It is ridiculous, and this just shows me that things will be ok. Thank you for this.
Reading your Hub and reading through some of the comments I see that it is quite common for people to have toxic friends. I had a friend that I've known since the age of five who turned out to be very toxic later in life. There were many clues in our childhood, but I ignored them.
When he got married he began abusing his wife from the beginning. That's when I realized that I did not want this person in my life as a friend. But being a childhood friend I continued on.
I changed my mind and decided to end the friendship when he started asking me to lie to his wife. His wife divorced him and he continued to ask me to lie to her so that he could avoid paying child support. I kept out of it as much as I could. But it was not comfortable.
I didn't want to be in the middle of all this and that's when I finally ended it. I sent him a four-page letter explaining how I felt. But he was in such denial he couldn't understand a word I'm saying. He claimed, insread, that his ex was brainwashing me. That really doesn't matter. The point is I don't have to communicate with him anymore.
i have a friend at school that i care about but she turned the tables on me when i snapped at her once for bugging me. when i said i was sorry she than started a personal grudge against me in attempt to hurt me...she was nice to everyone else except me.later she snapped at a friend of hers and she said sorry and they made up instantly, i don't understand our relationship anymore. im going to break it off tomorrow.
moonlake Level 7 Commenter 3 years ago
You did the right thing getting rid of that friend. I have friends I love but do not want to hang around with. They complain about everything their kids, their husband nothing makes them happy. I have to stay away from them or they bring me down.
Good hub.